


Neither Here nor There

by d8rkmessngr



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Doing What Disney Won't, Eventual Poe Dameron/Finn, Exhaustion, Force Sensitivity, Hurt Poe Dameron, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, Protectiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22274713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d8rkmessngr/pseuds/d8rkmessngr
Summary: Sometimes, it felt like he wasn't really here. Sometimes, it felt like it wasn't really over. And the one person who tethered him left to finally tell Rey something.Post The Rise of Skywalker.
Relationships: BB-8 & Poe Dameron & Finn, Kaydel Ko Connix & Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey, Poe Dameron & Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 25
Kudos: 505





	Neither Here nor There

**Author's Note:**

> First stormpilot fic. Writing into Finnpoe like lightspeed skipping. Watch out for porgs. LOL.

Maybe he never left the _Finalizer_. 

Maybe he was dying, and this entire kriffing nightmare was only his mind telling him this is what would happen if he lives.

\+ + + 

Poe closed his eyes. He breathed deep. His face was hidden in the crook of Finn's neck, arms from both Finn and Rey woven around him like a lifeline to his X-wing. His right hand gripped Rey's in an unspoken agreement to link around Finn and never let go.

The cheering and laughter and joy around Poe sounded distant and unreal. Like voices calling from afar, beckoning him to come back to something less painful, promising a future he only now started to realize will happen after all but with far less of the people he imagined sharing it.

At least here, within their hold, within Finn's fierce embrace, there was less of a chance Poe will drift to that future. Not yet, at least. He was grounded here, secured in place, and just Poe. He knew the moment he steps away from the spiced scent of Finn's sweat and the almost sweet tang that was Rey, he would have to be General Dameron instead and be caught in the tailwinds of the unknown territories of reconstructing peace.

But here…Right now…he's only Poe. He's Finn and Rey's Poe. And they're all here, their bodies warm, overheating his. He could feel the shift of loose dirt under his boots and the gritty texture of rough clothing on his skin.

For now, that's good. Let him have this.

Finn mumbled against Poe's hair, his words garbled thick with emotion. He rumbled by Poe's left ear, his breath ruffling the top of Poe's head. Finn clutched both him and Rey, swaying in an odd vertical rocking motion Poe never wants to get out of.

Rey's bony shoulder jabbed against Poe's; her proximity crushed into him thanks to Finn's hug. Finn always hugged with everything he has and then some as if he's trying to absorb you into his skin and offer a safe haven within his heart.

Poe pressed his eyes harder into Finn's shoulder. The pain tamped the tears that wanted to spill.

"It's over, it's over," Finn half chanted, half wept over their bowed heads.

 _No_ , Poe thought bleakly. _Not really_. But he let Finn squeeze him close and allowed himself to believe in the lies for a little bit longer.

\+ + + 

When the celebrations gave way to grief and then to memorials, Poe knew what was coming next. He hated to be right about this when he was horribly wrong about everything else. 

\+ + + 

"…so, he promises to drop us off there. Right where Luke Skywalker grew up," Finn said. He gestured with his fork, like a swish of a lightsaber, in case Poe somehow forgot who Luke Skywalker was. He was already talking about it as soon as he reached Poe. He hasn't stopped talking about it since.

Poe forced down another mouthful of food. He let it slither down his constricting throat. Which was laughable because it tasted like ash and how could dry suffocating ash ever—

"…sounds exactly like Jakku, but Rey said it was hotter. I don't know what could be hotter than Jakku…"

Another swallow. More ash, but Poe needed to stay upright and alert because the war was over, but it wasn't the end.

A hand dropped over Poe's, stilling the scoop-to-mouth maneuver Poe was trying very hard to perfect.

"Hey, you with me?" Finn studied Poe. His brow furrowed.

Poe smiled; it felt like his face cracked open and distantly, he wondered how long it would take to bleed out from a wound like that.

"Right here with you." Poe patted the space between them on the dead log. The cleared area in the jungle served as their makeshift mess hall. An ambitious tech fashioned tables out of broken starcrafts and rolled in dead, mossy logs to serve double duty as seating and the demarcation of the area.

Finn scoffed. The line between his eyes didn't fade, though.

"It'll be good," Finn said quietly. "Rey really needs to get away." He hesitated. 

"Are you sure it's okay for me to go?"

The last spoonful of ash clogged the back of Poe's throat and lumped into a knot that refused to move. He gulped down the bitter tea someone made from tree bark. It didn't help.

"You're going to have the chance to tell her," Poe managed. He waggled his eyebrows. "Without me around." He thought he could feel the skin on his face stretch and tear.

Finn slowly nodded. He flicked a look at Poe. He rubbed his neck with a hand.

"Look, it's something I should tell Rey first, but I do want to tell you after her, but it's something she should know first." Finn rolled back his shoulders. His breath exhaled in a sharp _whoosh_.

"Aw, you know what? I wanted to tell her that—"

"It's fine," Poe interrupted. _Coward, coward_ ; he didn't want to hear it. But Finn and Rey deserved more than bitterness. They didn't earn his resentment. He patted Finn's arm. 

"I'll know," Poe told Finn.

"You…you will?" Finn blinked at Poe.

"Sure," Poe said. Poe threw in a shoulder shrug for good measure. "You'll tell me later." Or if they were kind, not say anything at all and leave it unsaid. 

At last, the crease on Finn's brow smoothed out.

Finn slapped Poe on his shoulder, careful not to jar his sore arm. His hand drifted down to grip Poe's elbow tight. Poe wished it was tight enough to leave a bruise so he could remember how Finn's touch set Poe firmly to here and now, stable and even-keeled.

"I'll be back before you know it, General," Finn said lightly.

If Poe didn't love Finn before, he did now with the kind lie Finn offered as consolation.

"Have fun," Poe said, his mouth twisting into a smile he wished didn't hurt.

 _Goodbye_ was what he really meant.

\+ + + 

Poe saw no use in sleep. There was no point in dreaming because then he would be tempted to not want to wake. 

\+ + + 

Connix had tentatively offered Poe Leia's space. He snapped at her but at her tearful and timid, "but General..." Poe remembered. That's right. Officer's quarters. 

The canvas patched tents scattered across the jungle were for the Resistance fighters, and the meager number of crew left after Crait. 

Not for Poe.

He was a commanding officer again, not Black leader. There was no one from Black squadron left, just him.

Poe dismantled the tent he and Finn shared with his bare hands. Rose had insisted her team could do it for him. But her team needed to pack up the tents they no longer needed. There were so many.

The tent fitted inside a small crate. Poe made sure what few things Finn collected was packed up and secured in case Finn asked for them later. He dragged one of the cots and set it up in the back of the largest cave allocated as their command center. BeeBee Ate's spare charging station was positioned in one of the other caves they set up as a repair station. 

His droid left with Finn and Rey. Poe avoided saying goodbye. He waved, feeling like he was watching himself from afar, one hand swatting the air as the _Millennium Falcon_ zipped past him. He wasn't sure anyone saw him or waved back.

That's all right. This way, BeeBee Ate couldn't update Poe on how many days he lost Finn. And when BeeBee decides to stay with a better human, it would hurt less being told secondhand.

Poe made sure his cot faced the large holo map Connix and Tolha created so he could see the gaps among the galaxy every morning. To remind him what he needed to get up for.

\+ + + 

_"I can't believe there's actually a planet hotter than Jakku,"_ Finn complained when he comm Poe after arriving at Tatooine a week later. Before, Finn sent message bursts several times a day. Sometimes about Rey's training. Sometimes to complain about how Chewie was cheating again. Sometimes about some porg that kept popping up to scare the bantha shit out of him. 

Poe saved every message. He collected enough so he could play all of them in a loop on his small holoprojector while slumped into his cot. Technically, he was having a full six hours in bed. Just not with his eyes closed. 

_"And she's running around in her robes like it was that ice planet you once told me about."_

"Hoth," Poe reminded him. He remembered every conversation he shared with Finn, even the one-sided ones during Finn's coma. He smiled at the staticky blue image of Finn sitting cross-legged in front of his own holoprojector, his hands wrapped around his crossed ankles.

 _"How's it going over there?"_ Even though it was poor reception, Poe could see the faint lines of worry across Finn's brow. 

"Lots of General-ing to do," Poe summed up the three days of talking to suspicious leaders from former New Republic settlements with a non-term.

Finn's hologram flared sharper, almost a solid blue when Finn rocked forward in a laugh. Poe was tempted to reach forward and touch the image, but he knew the moment his fingers went through, it would be his undoing.

 _"That's not a real word,"_ Finn chuckled. He canted his head.

 _"You look tired,"_ Finn noted, sobering.

"I look blue," Poe corrected. He wasn't tired. That implied feeling something. "And you look blue too, buddy." Calling Finn General only reminded Poe who wasn't here. "You look like a tiny, disgruntled Jawa, my friend."

 _"I actually saw one!"_ Finn sat up straighter. He looked like he was about to spring up to his feet. Instead, he hunched into his shirt; no jacket, it was too hot for it and maybe it was just as well Poe didn't see him wear it. 

Finn flapped his arms and hunched over. He did not look like a Jawa, but Poe chuckled all the same.

 _"General Lando flew the Falcon over a tribe of them, and they scattered. Aw man."_ Finn snorted. _"Rey yelled at Lando for doing that. Chewie was too busy laughing to help him."_

Poe's chest felt like stone, refusing to move to let air in. 

"Sounds like you're having fun," Poe rasped. He cleared his throat. "Beats General-ing."

_"I'm telling you. That's not a word."_

"Okay, Ass-kiss-waltzing? Handshaking-ing?"

_"Handshaking is already a word. You don't need to add more to it."_

"Polit-juggling. Simper-olitics."

 _"That's terrible,"_ Finn laughed harder, rocking back.

"Okay, then rotting," Poe quipped. And froze.

Finn's hologram stilled. The static vanished.

"What do you know?" Poe grimaced. His eyes slid away. "An actual real word."

 _"Poe,"_ Finn murmured. Suddenly it was just Finn's face filling the holo, blue yet so earnest, so open with concern. Poe choked.

Poe grabbed his elbow, the one Finn unknowingly branded with his touch in Poe's memory. Poe's own hand was a sorry substitute.

"Did you tell Rey yet?" Poe said abruptly, his tone as brisk as a whip to his own back. 

Finn blinked, taken aback.

 _"Uh, no. Not yet."_ Finn squirmed, discomfited lightyears away.

Poe smiled tightly. "You shouldn't wait so long. You're usually a heads-on sort of guy."

_"Sorry, I think you got me mixed up with you."_

Poe gathered all the ill-feeling in his insides and tried to imagine crushing them together to something worthy.

"No time like the present, buddy," Poe murmured. "You and I both know anything could happen to take that chance away. The universe is stingy with second chances. I think I've used up my share many times over."

Poe sat back in his cot, the holoprojector disk balanced on his left knee.

"You should tell her," Poe said abruptly. "Tonight." 

Finn stared at Poe, his mouth partially open. He looked about to say something. Or worse, he was going to apologize.

"Connix is calling me," Poe said curtly. He hesitated and added, "Good luck."

Poe signed off. He sat in the cot and closed his eyes. He felt the heat from the projector through his pants and into his knee. It burned, only slightly, only enough to leave a reddened mark. They didn't talk enough for the device to overheat. Poe wished they did. He wondered how long an untreated burn mark would last. He wondered if it would feel like Finn's hand on his knee, keeping Poe planetside and not floating away in a numbing haze. 

Poe could feel it at the edges of his perception more and more. Cold, numb, and empty. It promised absolutely nothing. And maybe that's what he needed right now. And for the rest of his life. 

Or at least until he wakes up and finds himself back in the _Finalizer_ after all.

\+ + + 

He knew he should feel angry.

_"...optimal location and under the support of the Leularian government..."_

Poe smiled tightly. The uniform sat wrong on his shoulders. He thought it would feel itchy. It just felt wrong.

"Governor Re—" Poe began.

 _"It's President Rell now,"_ Rell said loftily. He sounded nasal through his beak-like nose. But he was human, which was why the First Order appointed him in the Leularian system. When the First Order was declared gone, he declared he'd freed his colony from tyranny. The Republic wasn't there to call him out for his hypocrisy.

_"The people have elected me as their leader after we were freed from the First Order."_

Poe didn't tip his head in acknowledgment. He should. This was all the things the General did: pretending to make nice while the galaxy burned from the inside out.

"The Resistance recognizes your authority," but they shouldn't, "However, we need to stay neutral and respect the ordinances of neutrality."

Connix made a face behind the holo-projector, but she quickly schooled a bland look when Rell's projection slid off his chair (throne) to approach the screen.

 _"Of course,"_ Rell said. He rolled his vowels unnecessarily to prove he can. Poe felt a twinge of something, maybe disgust, in his gut. He stiffened his spine and the sensation died.

 _"Far be it for the Resistance to show any sort of favoritism."_ Rell tapped a long finger to his pointy chin. His face was free of facial hair. Whereas it made Finn look unbearably young at times, it made Rell appear flimsy. 

_"I wasn't aware you were still calling yourself the Resistance though, acting General Dameron."_

Out of the corner of Poe's eye, he spied Connix bristling. She looked ready to throw her datapad through the hologram. He shot Connix an arched eyebrow that seemed to have worked. She flushed and coughed delicately behind a fist.

"We're a work in progress," Poe said smoothly. He was a work in progress.

There were a few more cordial exchanges. Poe vaguely noted what sounded good (none of it) and what needed work (all of it).

When the meeting was over, it felt like nothing was done and nothing was promised. Yet Poe couldn't bring himself to be angry. His gut cramped too much with all the clawing inside to make room for anything else.

"Now I know why Leia wanted to introduce him to a Sarlacc," Connix muttered under her breath.

Poe snorted. Tried. He grimaced when Connix winced in return.

"Yea," Poe offered. A voice in him whispered there was a whole lot of other things he could say, but that meant working the words past the glass in his shrinking throat. And he couldn't fathom why he should, not anymore.

"Yea," Poe repeated lamely. He ignored the sad face Connix cast his way. He ignored how Connix flicked a meaningful look at the bowl of grain and mug of soup sitting on the console since last night. He cleared his throat.

"Who's next?"

\+ + + 

He never lost consciousness on the _Finalizer._ Not really. 

The pain was an exhausting companion, though, so occasionally, he caught himself napping just so the pain would shut up for a short time.

He missed that.

\+ + + 

"Condensers?" Poe repeated.

The blue projection on Poe's knee nodded.

 _"Three of them,"_ Finn groaned. _"I kept asking her what's the point, but Rey insisted they needed to be repaired anyway."_ ````

Poe's lips twitched. It was a vaguely familiar feeling. "Hope the pay is good."

Finn snorted. _"Tearing down condensers during a sandstorm? No pay is enough."_

The hologram paced left and right on top of Poe's knee, but never disappearing. Finn seemed to be taking great care he stayed within view of the holoprojector.

_"BeeBee Ate misses you."_

Poe blinked. He nodded.

"Don't get sand in my droid," Poe rasped. He hoped Finn didn't notice the catch when he said, "my."

Finn sat down so close to the holoprojector, Poe could see the stubble starting to bristle on Finn's chin. 

Poe's right hand curled. Soon, Finn's cheeks were going to be no longer smooth. He remembered how they felt against the coarseness of his jaw when Finn tucked Poe's face to him.

 _"Connix com me this morning,"_ Finn said. All his energy describing his day evaporated. _"Doesn't seem to be going well."_

"If they would at least agree to disagree," Poe grumbled, "We might have a shot." He stopped. He smiled faintly.

"It's fine," Poe told Finn.

 _"Is it?"_ Finn hesitated. _"I could come back."_

Poe wanted to shout, "Yes. Come back. They need a general, not a pilot. I need—"

"Have you told Rey?" Poe replied instead.

Finn grimaced. He rubbed the back of his neck. 

"Come back after you tell Rey," Poe said. The lie tasted sour on his tongue. He wondered if Finn could taste it too.

\+ + + 

If he's on the _Finalizer._ It meant the Black team was still out there, flying among the stars.

It was a nice thought, a consolation if he woke up still a wing commander and tied to a metal table.

\+ + + 

"General?"

 _Poe_ , he wanted to correct the technician. _Call me Poe._ He kept turning around expecting to see Leia there, and when he doesn't, it's a gut-punch all over again. He wanted to vomit out all the food he's been mechanically eating. Just because everything tastes like ash doesn't mean he shouldn't eat it. They need generals like Finn healthy and looking like they can lead them more than to their deaths.

"General?"

_He's not here, he's with Rey—oh wait, you're talking to me._

Poe lifted his head and smiled wearily at Connix.

Connix's light brow wrinkled. She glanced down at the datapad in her hands. She suddenly looked unsure.

"You have something for me?" Poe prodded.

"Transmissions. Volunteers." Connix grimaced. "They're offering help."

Poe didn't copy her even if he wanted to. But Leia made him acting general. And damn it, he was going to act like the best kriffing general they have until they can find someone better.

It took a few seconds to decide if he should smile or not. He settled for a pinched curve of his mouth, an expression somewhere in-between, yet he felt like neither. 

No matter.

"Patch them through," Poe instructed and turned to face the next offer that came too, too late. 

\+ + + 

_"Poe?"_

Poe blinked. He rolled back his shoulders, the cold cave wall on his back, and smirked at the small blue holo perched on his knee.

Finn stared at Poe, probably wondering why there was a delay in response since Poe took his com. 

"General," Poe greeted with as much of a grin he could muster.

 _"General,"_ Finn returned easily, but with an eye roll because it's their thing. Or at least Poe liked to think so.

 _"Heard more transmissions were coming in offering an alliance."_ Finn grinned. _"Word's spreading about the First Order. People are asking what's next."_

Poe wanted to know that as well, but for now, he pretended he already does. He saw himself every day, familiar but still a stranger and saying all the right things (he hopes) Leia would say in his place. He hoped she approves.

"Sometimes," Poe heard himself saying, "I want to ask where the fuck was you when we needed you?" 

Finn's smile faded.

Poe clamped his mouth shut. He brushed his hand on the holoprojector burning on top of his knee. He hoped it'll leave a mark again. The other one faded the next day. That ache was only a memory on dead flesh and Poe needed a few moments curled in his cot and just…he just needed a few moments.

 _"I should come back."_ Finn was too close to the holoprojector again. It hurt less to remember Finn wasn't here when he was a flickering blue image sitting on Poe's knee.

"There's nothing to do here but pick up the pieces," Poe said before he could stop himself. He caught the furrow deepening on Finn's brow. Damn it. He should have edited his words. But it felt like a lot of effort: taking out words and still have it sound wrong.

 _"Rose said you were still writing…uh…the letters to the families."_ Finn thankfully pulled back to be a faraway blue hologram again. _"I can go through them if you want,"_ Finn offered. _"You look beat."_

It was a lot of letters. Poe wrote them out by hand because they should be delivered in person and not by an impersonal stream of digits.

"Do you think she wrote one to my dad?" Poe asked abruptly. "I didn't find one. She couldn't have thought I was still alive."

Finn looked pained. He leaned in, stopped, thinking better of it, and stayed a small unreachable projection once again.

_"Poe? Listen, I'm—"_

"Did you tell Rey?" Poe asked, harsher than Finn deserved.

_"I-I was going to, but this is more—"_

"Tell Rey." Poe snapped off the link. 

Finn's hologram vanished.

Poe clamped a palm over the holoprojector disk. The heat left a red circle on his palm and a flushed patch on his knee.

He wished he felt them.

\+ + + 

"Hey, kid."

Poe's lips twisted. He schooled his expression to a more appropriate one and turned on his heels to the figure at the entrance.

"That's General Kid to you," Poe drawled. "And shouldn't you be saluting?"

Wedge Antilles cocked an eyebrow at Poe. He saluted, sort of. It was more universal for something else.

"Nice." Poe rolled his eyes because he should. He chuckled because he was supposed to and gestured his old instructor to enter.

Wedge walked with the surety of a pilot rather than a man retired too long on a planet. He always stepped off at the heel to land each foot firmly on the ground. He walked in a straight line. He didn't meander, although his keen eyes clearly picked up Poe's cot on the back wall and the crate with the stack of handwritten letters by an ignored bowl of regelope stew.

"Time for me to go home." Wedge slipped his hands into his pockets. He smiled with that reserved curve of the mouth, his eyes doing the rest.

Poe's own smile wavered but stayed as wide as Poe thought it should be. He wished he felt disappointed. He only felt unsurprised.

"Of course." Poe clasped Wedge by the forearm. Wedge's grip on his was as firm. "You should be home with…" 

Poe stopped. There was one less name on the list for Wedge. And just like that, a lump of ice sat in his gut and stole his breath.

"You should be home," Poe croaked. He cleared his throat and tried again. "We couldn't ask you to do more than what you have already done."

Wedge exhaled, and there was a glimpse of a father, one of many Poe needed to tell their sons and daughters weren't coming home.

"I was hoping you'll be asking," Wedge said slowly. "For me to come back as an instructor."

Poe stilled.

"Unless you're planning on teaching all the brats yourself when the new academy opens."

Poe's hand loosened on Wedge's arm. 

"There's not many of us left to teach anyone." Poe's throat squeezed. His face felt strange, moving on its own, talking without his permission.

"There's not many of us left to even remember." Poe set his jaw. He barred himself from even breathing if it meant he stopped talking. 

"There's enough," Wedge said quietly. "All you need is one." He smiled, and the grieving father was gone, a shade of a defiant and victorious rebel returned.

"And there's more than one, thanks to you, General."

"Poe," Poe rasped.

Wedge chuckled sadly. "She always insisted we call her Leia." He tightened his grip on Poe's arm and pulled him into a loose hug. 

Poe patted Wedge with his free hand. It wasn't a hug like Finn's, but he should probably do something, right? He wondered why he couldn't feel the rough fabric of Wedge's shirt under his hand. He wondered why even this close to another person, he felt cold?

"Give me a big send-off when I leave, all right?" Wedge murmured. He punctuated the request with a sound thump on Poe's back. It felt like it knocked Poe's heart out of his chest.

Poe nodded. Parties. Yes, he could do parties; fill the base with noise to drown out the silence. People would like that. And Poe would only need to show up once, smile, and pretend this was precisely what he needed.

\+ + + 

Poe accidentally bit his tongue while he did his scoop-to-mouth. The metallic tang of blood instead of the taste of ash startled him. 

Enough so that he choked, his fingers digging bloodied furrows into the base of his throat. 

Enough that Rose heard from outside and ran in. 

She apologized later for the rib she unknowingly cracked when she pounded and pounded air back into his paralyzed lungs.

Poe reassured Rose it beats the alternative.

He was pretty sure they both knew he was lying.

\+ + + 

_"You shouldn't be up."_ Finn's blue frown flickered over Poe's knee.

Poe's lips crooked into a smirk, but it took too much to keep it up, so it dropped.

"If I wasn't, who'll answer your comm?" Poe picked at the blanket he half-heartedly tossed over his legs. 

_"So I talked to Rose."_

Poe frowned at the hologram slouched over his knee.

"I was wondering how I earned an extra com today," Poe said hoarsely. "Shouldn't you be stripping condensers for Rey?"

Finn stared open-mouthed.

_"Poe, that was last week."_

Oh. Poe swallowed. He shrugged.

"Wasn't sure how long it would take you."

 _"Rose said you were trying to repair one of the X-wings we got in tonight."_ Finn wouldn't stop frowning. 

_"How's your hand?"_

Poe raised his left hand before he remembered the bandage was on his right. 

"Doesn't hurt," Poe quipped. It was true. More and more, it startled him to see the random bruises and cuts show up on his skin. The uniform Connix salvaged for him covered everything. It was General Tonex's; he needed it for the newly reformed Republic counsel. He yelled at her unfairly for it when he first saw it. He didn't want it, but she stubbornly fixed it to fit him and left it on his desk (crate) the next morning.

 _"So what happened?"_ Finn straightened up when he spotted the bandage on Poe's right hand.

Poe wasn't sure. He was working on one of the fighter's generators when Rose shouted. It was then he realized his hand got caught in one of the fan belts. He didn't register the blood until Rose took a wrench to the motor and bashed the engine until his hand was free.

"Bug bite,' Poe quipped. "Covered it so I wouldn't scratch."

Finn blinked.

_"What the hell kind of bug did that?"_

Kriff, guess the image was clear enough to see the bruised and swollen fingertips. Kalonia assured Poe his hand will recover. He'll be able to fly with no problem. Poe tried to look appropriately relieved at her news. She pursed her lips, patted Poe's arm, and quietly asked if the General would like some light sedatives for sleeping. Just in case. Poe accepted them and shoved them in the box where he kept all of Snap's—he kept the pills in the box.

_"Gester from Survey didn't mention anything about—"_

"How is it," Poe said tightly, "You've talked to everyone, but Rey?" 

Finn hesitated. 

_"The timing never seemed right and Rey's sort of, she's processing. Still. I mean—"_

"The timing is never going to be right," Poe gritted out. There was an ache that he thought he should have felt when his hand got pinned between the fan belt and the blades. It was here now, lurking and throbbing with the beat of his heart.

"Sooner or later, you should tell her." Poe curled his bandaged hand, tighter when he couldn't feel anything. 

"You're not doing any of us any favors by waiting," Poe said. He grimaced when he heard himself.

"You're not doing you two any favors," Poe amended quickly.

The look on Finn's face didn't change. His expressive eyes steadied on Poe like he was reading lines of code, Poe's essence stripped and cobbled down to bits of data on the screen.

 _"I want to tell Rey,"_ Finn said. He took a deep breath. _"I wanted to tell her—"_

"Tell her first," Poe said shortly. "Tell me after." Or never.

_"Poe, wait—"_

When Finn's hologram blinked out of existence, Poe wondered if it was a premonition. He rose to his feet, but he needed to throw out a hand to the wall first until the room steadied.

He was startled to see blood on his bandage. He hadn't felt it.

\+ + + 

It was cold in the _Finalizer_. At least the room they placed him in. When they realized the chill numbed his wounds, they turned the temperature the other way. His sweat burned as they trickled into his cuts.

He woke up still feeling cold these days, but never in the right (wrong) room.

\+ + + 

"Fifteen more," Connix reported after she scanned her datapad. She smiled, her shoulders relaxing. 

"I recognize the settlements they're from."

"We're going to need a bigger base sooner than we thought," Poe muttered. He wasn't used to hearing so much noise when the base camp was so quiet for two weeks.

"Green team are due back tomorrow from their surveys," Connix informed them. "Maybe we'll find something good. Something permanent?"

Connix sounded so hopeful. Poe's bones should ache to hear her. She was new by their standards and never been in a base longer than a year. Permanent for her meant the chance of seeing all the seasons grace their base.

Poe fashioned a smile to match Connix's, but for some reason, hers dimmed in front of him.

"Permanent sounds good," Poe told her. He repeated it to himself. Over and over.

One day he'll believe it.

\+ + + 

Finn tried to comm one night, a night when Poe actually fell asleep. He dreamed he was dying in the _Finalizer._ He woke up at the beep; he choked at the sheer hollow feeling filling his chest. 

He couldn't bring himself to answer the comm. He stared at the holoprojector in his loosely curled hand as it beeped every hour until the morning filled the command center with light. 

\+ + + 

_"…I told Rey."_

"Okay." That was good. It was good, wasn't it?

_"Poe…I'm coming back. Do you hear me? I'm coming back."_

It was a nice dream even if he didn't remember sleeping to get it.

\+ + + 

If he was still on the _Finalizer_ , he would feel something. 

Pain, at least, is not easily ignored.

\+ + + 

A hand slides over Poe's lower back. Suddenly Poe is looking out of his own eyes. He felt Finn's large hand through his shirt. It was warm.

"Oh." Poe squinted at Finn. The other stood close to Poe. 

"Poe," Finn breathed. His eyes were wide as they scanned Poe from head to toe. " _Poe_." 

Finn crowded him. Poe felt the air move as Finn's heat drew up against him. It was like the holo-com burned all over instead of only his knee.

Poe swallowed. He leaned forward and let Finn's hand hover instead of touch.

"More transmissions. More General-ing to do," Poe heard himself saying, "There are a few I need to reply right away. Close allies of Le—they should be prioritized." 

"All right," Finn agreed readily. He pried the datapad someone gave Poe out of Poe's limp fingers. "Why don't we go through them together. You tell me which ones we need to answer first?"

"What about Rey?" Poe asked, ever mindful of the thing Finn wanted to tell her when Poe wasn't around. 

"She's still on Tatooine." Finn shrugged. He glanced down at the datapad with a frown. "She's making rocks float around her. BeeBee Ate is with her."

Poe nodded. He couldn't think of what else he should be doing. "She's better company."

"What?" Finn glanced up from the device, but his frown remained.

Poe shook his head. The room briefly spun. His own mental barrel roll.

Finn was suddenly nose to nose with Poe again.

"Hey." Finn's brow furrowed. "Sit down."

Poe stared at Finn. He could see himself in Finn's concerned gaze. Finn's left hand curled over the front of his shirt. 

"Oh," Poe said stupidly, "You're really here."

Something bumped the back of Poe's knees, forcing them to bend. He flailed, a hand whipping out to grab the console, but it was his injured hand; he threw away the bandage yesterday.

Hands curled around Poe's elbows, and the room steadied. 

It shouldn't be this easy to push him down on the chair Finn rolled behind him, but Poe sat because it made sense to. At least it made sense to heed what Finn's touch told him to do,

"Poe." Finn crouched down in front of Poe, his face open with concern. 

Poe wanted to reach out, find any substantial part of Finn to hold on to. But Finn told Rey and sooner or late Poe needed to find another anchor.

"Tired," Poe offered. It was the closest to "numb" or "carved out" he could say without outright lying.

Finn's worry smoothed out. He smiled ruefully. "I'll bet. It's only been a month, but I feel like I aged a decade."

Poe chuckled out of a raw throat. He tugged one of the knots Finn made in his hair.

"I think I see gray."

Finn made a face. "Oh good, then we'll match, old man."

"Hey," Poe protested because it felt like what Poe Dameron would do. Then again, Finn wasn't far from the truth. At thirty-two, Poe felt ancient. Like he survived far longer than any Resistance fighter expected to. 

Finn dropped hands on both of Poe's knees.

"Rest," Finn said gently, "I got this."

 _You always do,_ Poe thought. He fumbled the datapad away from Finn's grasp. It took two tries.

"Poe," Finn tried.

"I'll read out the ones we need to reply to first," Poe said. He steeled himself when Finn straightened up, taking away the hearth of his presence. "We need to decide on our permanent base as well."

"Uh." Finn peered up at Poe, frowning at whatever he saw. "Rey was going to comm in a few minutes."

Poe's insides twisted. He thought maybe they snapped, and that's why he'd floating away.

"You two can still..." Poe course adjusted. "We can decide on the base tomorrow." At Finn's hesitation, Poe made another adjustment.

"Although I should run this by Topography first. You don't need to be there for that."

"Neither do you," Finn countered. He glanced past Poe's shoulder. Poe knew without turning Finn was eying the cot Poe set up at the back of the cave. It gets cold so deep in the cavern, but their equipment needed the heaters more.

"They put me up in Major Ankling's quarters." Finn shifted from foot to foot. "It's bigger than what I'm used to, and Rey wants the tent by the lake when she gets back."

"Oh," Poe said, unsure of what Finn wanted him to say. He wasn't sure what he was hearing. "Oh," he repeated.

Finn studied Poe, his mouth pursed.

"Get up. Let's go," Finn said abruptly. He didn't wait for Poe to comply. He stepped into Poe's space, looped his arms under Poe's, and hauled him to his feet.

"You told me to sit down." Poe blinked blearily. He wanted to lean in, let Finn take his weight, just for a moment. Please, only for a second, let him pretend for a minute, let him soak in Finn's heat, and the feel of his hands now splayed on his back. Or let him wake up on the _Finalizer_ and let everything be a dream even if it meant Finn was only a sweet illusion.

No. Wait, he wanted Finn to be real, but for him to be real, it also meant—

Finn curled a hand around Poe's nape. Poe started, a breath lodged painfully in his throat. He tried to swallow it back down to join the rest gnawing in his gut, but it kept pushing up, past his tongue, his clenched teeth, his lips...

"Poe. Poe. Poe," Finn murmured, distressed. His mouth was by Poe's ear; he chanted Poe's name as quiet as a wind or a ghost. Maybe Finn was an illusion, after all, a selfish illusion whose price was Poe's survival and everyone else's death.

A raw sound hung over them until Poe realized it was coming from him. And that was unacceptable because General Dameron can't be standing here, clinging to another and making useless noises. That was something maybe Poe Dameron could indulge in, and he can _kriffing go to hell_.

"Come on," Finn was saying now. "Come on."

Poe dug his heels in because Finn was leading him outside and no. _No._ There were communiqués to fair-weather allies he needs to politely reply to, decisions to decide on, costs and balances, and the letters— _Force_ , the endless messages of pitiful "died a hero" words to families and—

Finn understood because he always did and steered them towards the cot in the back instead. He didn't seem to mind he was taking more and more of Poe's weight.

"Almost there," Finn encouraged. His grip on Poe's elbow was durasteel. The hand on Poe's nape felt possessive.

The edge of the cot arrived sooner than Poe expected. He stumbled into the dusty tangle of covers. Finn yelped, unable to compensate, and flopped on top of Poe.

Underneath them, the cot creaked and collapsed to the cavern floor.

Silence hung. 

"Kriff," Poe mumbled somewhere in the vicinity of Finn's armpit. "You're heavy."

Finn shook as he snorted, laughed (giggled), and sputtered. Poe laughed as well because it was the thing to do, but the noises eventually came out strange and tasted wrong. Suddenly, Finn wasn't laughing anymore. 

"Okay. Let me...wait..." 

Finn tried to roll off Poe. Poe tried to help. But limbs and exhaustion offered little coordination. They ended up in a worse tangle.

Poe gulped. Finn's flat stomach pressed down into his groin. The weight should bother him, his air was slowly yielding to Finn's body. 

But Poe was finally feeling real, the ground (or the cot) solid on his back, the air a bite on his exposed skin. He was numb, but he felt it rather than observed it. And it hit him.

This was reality. He didn't die on the _Finalizer._

Relief warred with guilt. Poe gulped, unsure which to push back and which to welcome.

Finn pulled Poe to his shoulder. He wrapped his arms entirely around Poe, his muscular thighs now bracket his torso. It was Finn, pure Finn with one of his all-encompassing hugs, doing his best to tuck Poe into somewhere safe.

Poe ducked his head under Finn's chin. He shoved his nose into the warm hollows of his throat. He shook. He heard himself. He wasn't sure which emotion was whimpering out. 

Finn said nothing, not even his name. He stayed wrapped around Poe, a hand stroking the curls in the back of Poe's head. Finn dropped a kiss on each damp cheek, on his mouth, and then his forehead. Then he just held Poe and let Poe hold him just as tight.

Poe wasn't sure how much time passed when his swollen eyes cracked open. At first, he thought it was still dark, or maybe he went blind, but after another blink, Poe realized it was dark because Finn was still curled around him like a deflector shield.

"Connix is going to organize all the transmissions by the level of priority. She's going to create charts. She's looking forward to making charts." Finn huffed, disturbing a curl by Poe's ear. Poe fidgeted.

"I yelled at her once," Poe muttered against Finn's throat. "She was trying to help, and I yelled at her."

"Funny," Finn mused. "That's not what she told me." He rubbed his chin on top of Poe's head. 

Poe realized he must have slept. His limbs have a heavy, lethargic weight of sleep. How long was he sleeping? Everything felt too tight, his skin shrunk around his bones. Even sniffing made his face ache.

"The transmissions," Poe croaked. He rotated a shoulder as he pushed up with an elbow. Stars, that hurt too.

Finn tugged Poe back, squashing Poe's face into Finn's shoulder again. 

"Connix. Charts," Finn reminded Poe. He ran a careful hand down the line of Poe's back. His hand stopped and wrapped around the profile of Poe's ribs.

"Rose said you were eating." Finn sounded upset. "I asked. Every day. She made sure…" 

Poe memorized the line of Finn's clavicle hard against his cheek.

"Rey's going to kill you," Finn sighed. "And your droid is going to shock me somewhere very sensitive."

Poe felt Finn's chest rise and fall against him. He matched the breathing then stopped because—

"Rey," Poe croaked. 

"Yea," Finn said, "She's going to kill you when she sees what you did to yourself." He paused. "Oh. _Oh,_ you meant…"

Poe rested his head back against Finn. He tentatively copied Finn's breathing. Just for a moment. Maybe until Rey returns.

"I wasn't doing anything," Poe rasped and flinched because it sounded too close to a truth. "I mean, I was. I was doing—"

"General-ing things. Yea." Finn burrowed his face into Poe's hair again. 

"Kriff," Finn mumbled thickly. "You stink. When did you last shower? When did you last sleep? Did you—"

"Stop." Poe exhaled. "Stop asking because I don't remember."

Finn muttered an expletive. Poe weakly snorted into Finn's shoulder. A hand slipped around to grip Poe's hair. 

"I shouldn't have left." Finn tugged Poe's hair. "And you shouldn't have let me."

Poe hummed. The ground felt hard under him. His knee ached where it banged on something—what, he couldn't remember or have the energy to care. Finn has his arms around Poe's shoulders, legs wrapped around Poe's hips. They probably looked ridiculous. They definitely looked undignified.

But Finn made no move to leave. He seemed content to keep Poe enclosed within one of his hugs. And Poe couldn't bring himself to care if this was something General Dameron would do or Poe Dameron. 

"I told Rey," Finn said hesitantly.

Poe tensed.

"I'm Force-sensitive," Finn said slowly.

Poe blinked. He pressed his face deeper into Finn's shoulder.

"Okay." Poe breathed deep. He felt Finn's heat seeping into his bones. 

"Okay?" Finn sounded scandalized. 

"I guess…" Poe yawned. "Yea. Okay." He blinked half-mast and added, "Congratulations?"

Finn scoffed. 

"Rey was right. I should have just told you first." Finn pulled Poe tighter to him. "Okay? Really?"

Poe slipped his arms around Finn. He felt Finn's back flexing under his palms. His hands tingled, and he felt the smoothness of taut skin. His hands warmed with the heat of life.

"Yea," Poe croaked. "It's okay." He breathed deep. Everything felt extraordinarily real. 

Finn muttered under his breath. "I never know what to expect from you, Poe Dameron."

"That's me." Poe yawned again and ouch, his jaw hurt doing that. "Full of surprises."

Finn's fingers drifted up to trace the back of Poe's ear.

Poe's eyes burned. 

"Am I going to wake up?" Poe rasped.

"Only, um, next to me," Finn said hesitantly. "I mean if that's okay."

Poe closed his eyes. He listened to Finn breathe. He listened as the base came to life outside, whether he was out there or not.

"If that was a proposal," Poe mumbled, "That was pretty terrible."

"Technically," Finn drawled, "you proposed when you made me co-General."

Poe grunted. 

Finn carded a hand through Poe's hair. He gave the back of Poe's head a gentle scratch.

"Tomorrow," Finn whispered, "I'll do the transmissions with you. Then, Rose and I are moving your cot into my quarters. And when Rey returns, I'm going to sit back and watch her kick your ass for this."

"Sounds exhausting," Poe commented groggily.

There was a tug in Poe's hair. 

"We'll take naps," Finn promised. "Lots of naps. And soup. And stew. Rose's mad at you for wasting all that stew she made you."

"Can I at least expect sex somewhere in this ambitious schedule of yours?" Poe smiled to himself when Finn suddenly vibrated under him. That was a pleasant sensation.

"Sure, when you don't fall asleep on me halfway through," Finn chuckled. Abruptly, he gulped. 

Poe pulled back his hand from Finn's covered crotch. 

"I can do that in my sleep," Poe mumbled. He tried to keep his eyes open, but they kept sliding shut. 

"Or you can just go at it." Poe gestured aimlessly towards his own ass. The thrumming under his body started again.

"Yea," Finn managed around his laughter. "Really sexy."

Finn's amusement faded into something softer and warmer. His hands stroked Poe's back and arms as if tracing every inch of Poe's body. 

Outside, there were voices. Poe picked out some. Many were too new to recognize, though. It made something in him ache like it didn't before. But it also coaxed a flame to tentativey bloom in his chest.

"There's so much…" Poe swallowed. So much to do. So much they lost. So much they could gain. He almost wished he felt nothing again, because what the hell should he do now?

Poe must have said it out loud. Finn shifted, sliding down until he was eye level with Poe.

"You don't have to do anything." Finn leaned in and pressed his mouth over Poe's mouth. "Not without me." 

Poe breathed deep. He rested his forehead with Finn. 

"It really is over," Poe whispered. He was torn in feeling relief or guilt. 

Finn's hands were flat against his back, promising whatever Poe felt, he wouldn't go through it alone.

"Funny," Finn murmured as he leaned in for another kiss. "It feels like something's just begun."

The End 

**Author's Note:**

> ...goodness, there's a lot of tags for Poe Dameron. (lol) Hope I caught them all. 
> 
> If Disney wouldn't do it, then I will. This has been fun. Thank you all for indulging me.
> 
> ————-
> 
> Come say hi on my [tumblr](https://d8rkmessngr.tumblr.com)


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